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and staying together is even harder
Published on May 21, 2006 By Sugar High Elf In Dating
I had a good relationship, and I still love the guy. But we're hitting some rough water and I think he's ready to leave the sinking ship.

It's been a few weeks since things went downhill. He was "tired" all the time and never really wanted to talk. Of course, he didn't call me until after 11:00 pm every night because he was hanging with his friends. I waited up every night, sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. When it finally did, I had to carry the conversation. This isn't new, he doesn't usually talk much, but the silences are different. It's almost as if he refuses to talk, and I refuse to carry the conversation anymore.

I want to make it work, but then again it might be easier to quit now before we're too involved. I leave in a year for grad. school -- probably Tennessee, Kansas or Missouri. This will take our long-distance relationship to an even longer distance. If we can't make 2.5hrs away, how will we make it 6-9?

I don't want to break up. He is a large part of my life that I enjoy having. But I feel as though he is taking advantage of me. He knows I'll wait for his call. He knows I love him. I thought about playing games, playing hard to get, playing the busy party girl who has to find time for him, but I don't like games. They always backfire.

I don't know why I'm typing all this, except I have no one to tell it to. I feel alone now more than ever. My friends are here for me, but they don't understand. I think my parents want us to break up for God knows what reason and I'm afraid if I tell him all this, he'll get angry -- or I will.

It's hard enough not knowing where your life is going -- where you'll be in a year's time, what you want to do with your life and how you're going to pay for it, without worrying about who's going to be there with you.

I don't know if he can be happy with me. If I move somewhere, and he follows me, can he be happy without his friends and only me with him? Because I'm not sure he can.

Boys: Can't live with them, can't knock them in the head with a sense stick.

Comments (Page 1)
on May 21, 2006
Hey! I just broke up with my (short-lived, to be honest) girlfriend yesterday! It's really an exciting and fun trend that should be followed by everyone!

I honestly don't believe a word of what I just said. I'm sorry that things are hitting rough water. But at least there's still the possibility that things may work out. Good luck, and hope things go the way you want. I don't want another member of the Recently Single club quite yet. We're quite full as it is.
on May 21, 2006
My advice?

Get busy with you. Do your thing. Don't wait by the phone, and don't talk when there's nothing to say.

Either he'll realize he misses you and pursue you or he won't, but at least you won't be bored and lonely, living in relationship purgatory.

One person alone can't save a relationship.
on May 21, 2006
Yeah Trent, I don't really want to join just yet. But save me a space... I may need it.

Hey Tex. I know you're right. I've been telling myself the exact same thing for a while now. So, tonight, I followed my own advice (and your advice, I just hadn't read it yet). He actually called early tonight but I didn't answer when he called. I was busy. True, I was working on a puzzle with one of my roomies, but we were talking and I wasn't ready to stop that conversation yet. Plus there was this one piece that I couldn't put in place.

I really do think that he loves me, but he isn't sure what he wants. He's enjoying his "boy's life" and doesn't want to be "tied down". (These aren't his words, just what I think he's feeling) It doesn't help that I'm leaving next year and he keeps telling me to "pick the best school for you" and not consider anyone else when picking my future school. Some hint, huh?

My instincts say, "RUN! Get out before you get hurt!" but I want to stick it out. He's the first guy I've given my heart to and I don't think I'm ready to take it back.
on May 22, 2006

Boys: Can't live with them, can't knock them in the head with a sense stick.

Very insightful!  They grow up eventually.  But they do have hard heads.

on May 22, 2006
But they do have hard heads.


Some harder than others...

on May 22, 2006
good damn thing i didn't offer the special surprise suggestion on time.

you (nor anyone else) sure the hell don't need that waitin for the fone to ring thing.

one of my favorite buddy guy tunes is 'my time after a while'. ('it may be your time right now baby, but it gonna be my time after a while')

check it out.
on May 23, 2006
I totally know what you're going through right because this is how my relationship went down the drain, and I for one know that it wasnt my fault.

I think you know it's time to let it go but it's too difficult to make such a decision.

I'm not one to give advise since i still feel miserable for not having him in my life.

if you want to email me go ahead: henemi12@hotmail.com

Take care babe......
=hugs=
on May 23, 2006
good damn thing i didn't offer the special surprise suggestion on time.


hehehe

one of my favorite buddy guy tunes is 'my time after a while'. ('it may be your time right now baby, but it gonna be my time after a while') check it out.


I just bought it off iTunes. Good song. Thanks!

I totally know what you're going through right because this is how my relationship went down the drain, and I for one know that it wasnt my fault.


Sorry to hear that. I know misery loves company, but I wish that hadn't happend. And I know what you mean about it not being your fault. I've been trying, and I feel like he doesn't care.

I think you know it's time to let it go but it's too difficult to make such a decision.


You may be right, but I can't give up yet. I at least want to see him in person at least once more before I make my decision. I keep telling myself that this is just a phase, and we'll get over it and we'll be stronger for getting past this.

Take care babe......=hugs=


Right back at you!

on May 23, 2006
Update on me being me and not waiting for the phone to ring:

I went out with my old roomie last night for cheese soup and beer. We had a BLAST! When the boy called, I was still in the bar, so I didn't answer. This time, he had to wait for me to call him back.

I'm still refusing to play "games" but this isn't a game. I went out to celebrate getting a job with a friend that I haven't seen in a while. (Can you hear the justification?)

He wasn't too happy -- he doesn't like my old roomie, and he was soo tired when I called him back. He still tells me he loves me, and I know I still love him. But we'll see.
on May 24, 2006
It sounds to me that there is a lack of communication taking place.

Because men are typically not very good communicators they are at fault. Plus as everyone knows women are relationship beings. I mean all you want is affection, attention, and a little APPRECIATION. That pretty much sums up all you want. Men don't realize that (I am still learning) when we do this women will respond according what we want.

My thoughts:
Do go out and do things. I agree with Kingbee no one should sit around waiting for a call. See if he is willing to make arrangements for a particular time for conversation. Try giving him some direction/instruction (indirectly). As for what he looks for is to be desired (physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc). Others call this ego strokes. If you believe he is worth it than give him some direction on how to love you. Then when he does such things praise him for it. This is my advice. Do with it as you may.
on May 24, 2006
He usually does a good job -- at least when we're together.

The problem is we're long-distance which means he ends up leaving his friends to go home and call me, and I think the strain of having to choose is getting to him.

Plus, I'm not communicating right now because I don't think I can without getting angry. So I'm cooling off first, then talk later.

It really is good advice, Adventure-Dude. Thanks.
on May 24, 2006
The problem is we're long-distance which means he ends up leaving his friends to go home and call me, and I think the strain of having to choose is getting to him.


I understand long-distance. In my relationship I have only seen her for 4 months out of our 17 months of relationship. Here is what I see. Speaking for a guy it really sucks talking to your significant other when they are so far away. We long for physical closeness (non-sexual) and it is very painful when we talk on the phone because we are faced with this directly. Most will swear otherwise but deep down I believe this is true. By setting up a time to talk this will allow him and you to have fun while not playing the game of 'hard to get.' With a long distance relationship that is just a lose situation. Long distant relationships are extremely difficult to maintain and tough on the heart. But there are advantages that I believe that can be taken advantage of. For a guy (who is very visual) we get an opportunity to learn more about this woman without our thoughts being distracted by what's below the neck. Take out physicality and physically connected emotions, you have a purer foundation to build a long lasting friendship and relationship. That's what a marriage is isn't it? A glorified friendship with commitment? Remember you are the relationship being in the relationship. Men are NOT.

Plus, I'm not communicating right now because I don't think I can without getting angry. So I'm cooling off first, then talk later.


This is a good plan. People often speak with a loose toungue and do the most damage during such times. I applaud you for recognizing such times. Try the time 'schedule' and see how that goes. Maybe solicit his input on this. I am finding that men are like computers. We need instructions on what to do and how to serve you the best (not in master and slave). If he is a good man at heart he will desire to be this way. Really take inventory of what speaks 'love' the loudest to you and also note his responses for things you do. Let him know what speaks 'love' to you and commend him when he does it (stroke his ego).

There is a little virus that can cause more damage and hurt to a relationship than most realize. Expectations. Unrealistic expectations can destroy a relationship faster than anything I know of. We too often create expectations of others that we ourselves could not live up to. I would challenge you to evaluate your expectations of him as well. Be sure to hold yourself to these same expectations. You may want to subtly discuss this with him. ex. If he isn't willing to wait around for you to call than he shouldn't expect you to.

I think you get the picture.

It really is good advice, Adventure-Dude. Thanks


Glad you think so. I am happy to help.

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on May 25, 2006
Have you thought about writing for a women's magazine? You put things so well and I can see your point.

I'll try the schedule thing... asking him to help set a time. It helps that I just started running in the mornings (6am, blah) and I'll be going to bed earlier.
on May 25, 2006
I guess you need to figure out what you love him for. Not saying you dont know what love is or anything...but while at one point you say feel yourself saying "run, get out," you still feel a love towards him. So...which feeling is more true? Should you stick with someone who puts you last and calls you....eventaually? Should you have to talk to someone who obviously cant keep a conversation going with his own girlfriend? Has he said he loves you...if so...why does he love you?

A few years ago, Marcie and I had a pastor who made people going through marriage counseling program with him write 50 reasons why they loved each other. Can you think of 50 GOOD reasons why you love him? Can he think of 50 for you? Something to think about.

Youve talked on here about the concerns you have, but have you brought them up with him? What does he say?
on May 25, 2006
"pick the best school for you" and not consider anyone else when picking my future school. Some hint, huh?


Actually, that's probably one of the nicest things he could possibly do for you. He's acknowledging that you have your dreams and your goals and he doesn't want you to compromise them just for him.

My girlfriend and I are going through this same conundrum right now. She's just about to graduate from college and wants to move to California. I'm in the process of looking for a new job in several states that don't include California. At this stage, I feel we need to take the time and pick the destinations that are the best for us individually. I don't want to feel resentment towards her because I passed up opportunities to follow her, and I don't want her to feel the same towards me. Right out of college, unless your life goals coincide, separation for a time is inevitable if not advisable.

How would you feel if you made your grad school choice based on him, and then a year later you two broke up and there you were left at a school that wasn't your first choice?

My stance in my relationship at least is that if it's meant to work out, it will survive some time geographically separate. But I don't think either of us should give up important opportunities at this stage in our lives. Distance is tough, but feeling like you gave up your life to follow someone else could cause much more difficult problems.
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