Breaking up is hard to do

and staying together is even harder

Published on May 21, 2006 By Sugar High Elf In Dating

I had a good relationship, and I still love the guy. But we're hitting some rough water and I think he's ready to leave the sinking ship.

It's been a few weeks since things went downhill. He was "tired" all the time and never really wanted to talk. Of course, he didn't call me until after 11:00 pm every night because he was hanging with his friends. I waited up every night, sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. When it finally did, I had to carry the conversation. This isn't new, he doesn't usually talk much, but the silences are different. It's almost as if he refuses to talk, and I refuse to carry the conversation anymore.

I want to make it work, but then again it might be easier to quit now before we're too involved. I leave in a year for grad. school -- probably Tennessee, Kansas or Missouri. This will take our long-distance relationship to an even longer distance. If we can't make 2.5hrs away, how will we make it 6-9?

I don't want to break up. He is a large part of my life that I enjoy having. But I feel as though he is taking advantage of me. He knows I'll wait for his call. He knows I love him. I thought about playing games, playing hard to get, playing the busy party girl who has to find time for him, but I don't like games. They always backfire.

I don't know why I'm typing all this, except I have no one to tell it to. I feel alone now more than ever. My friends are here for me, but they don't understand. I think my parents want us to break up for God knows what reason and I'm afraid if I tell him all this, he'll get angry -- or I will.

It's hard enough not knowing where your life is going -- where you'll be in a year's time, what you want to do with your life and how you're going to pay for it, without worrying about who's going to be there with you.

I don't know if he can be happy with me. If I move somewhere, and he follows me, can he be happy without his friends and only me with him? Because I'm not sure he can.

Boys: Can't live with them, can't knock them in the head with a sense stick.

Comments (Page 2)

Moderateman

on May 25, 2006

11 by Sugar High Elf
Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The problem is we're long-distance which means he ends up leaving his friends to go home and call me, and I think the strain of having to choose is getting to him.

this is gonna sound trite, but it really is as simple as choices, I choose colleen over anyone else, period. In my mind it's not even something I would think about, my head would ring and say "time to call colleen" I would simply get up, say be right back, gotta call my baby.

Sugar High Elf

on May 25, 2006

Youve talked on here about the concerns you have, but have you brought them up with him? What does he say?

"We'll see where the cards fall." was his exact response. But then, he is a man of few words... one of the many reasons I love him.

Actually, that's probably one of the nicest things he could possibly do for you. He's acknowledging that you have your dreams and your goals and he doesn't want you to compromise them just for him.

I know, you're right. But my problem happens because we were talking about getting married after my first semester in grad. school. If that had happened, then I needed to pick a school where he could also find work. It bothers me now because he's changed his mind and doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to get married. He doesn't trust himself to sustain a marriage, since he's never seen a good, lasting marriage in any of his relatives. So now, when he tells me to pick the best school for me, I feel like he's saying because we won't be together.

My stance in my relationship at least is that if it's meant to work out, it will survive some time geographically separate. But I don't think either of us should give up important opportunities at this stage in our lives. Distance is tough, but feeling like you gave up your life to follow someone else could cause much more difficult problems.

Very true. The sad thing is, if we are going to stay together, then he will eventually have to move, or we'll have a long-distance relationship for the rest of our lives.

this is gonna sound trite, but it really is as simple as choices, I choose colleen over anyone else, period.

That's really sweet. And sometimes he does ditch his friends for me. But his friends have been his family, his support system, his everything for the last two years. If I were in the same town, there would be no problem because I would hang with them as well. But as is, he can't have us both at the same times. I told him to pick his friends sometimes so he doesn't resent me, and then pick me sometimes for the sake of the relationship. He just doesn't want to compromise. He wants his friend time every day, and then call me when he gets home.

Adventure-Dude

on May 25, 2006

It helps that I just started running in the mornings (6am, blah) and I'll be going to bed earlier.

Exercise is a great for releasing pinned up frustration (not just relationship). It is also a safe haven for thinking and clearing your mind. Also going to bed earlier you will see that with these two that your stress level will come down and dealing with problems will be drastically reduced. So kudos to you for this is a first step in taking care of you.

Ziggy brought up an excellent idea (though not sure they realize it). Going through a premarital book (not for obvious reason) is a great place to ask questions that you or him would not discuss under normal circumstances. But I think I would wait on this as this may show haste from you and he may see it as a life boat in the relationship that he thinks is going good. As for the questioning of whether he loves you or not I don't sense that you question that only that you aren't seeing it put into action. As if you are starved for love and are only getting mere morsels. Please understand only you can know what you need for love. The trick is to understand this and teach him. Tell him how to show you he appreciates you. Tell him how you want attention (remember expectations here). Tell him how you want affection. Like I said before ask him when you do certain things how does he feel.

Actually, that's probably one of the nicest things he could possibly do for you. He's acknowledging that you have your dreams and your goals and he doesn't want you to compromise them just for him.

I agree. Don't read too much more into this. Your mind can come up with all kinds thoughts on this. Leave it with the latent content.

How would you feel if you made your grad school choice based on him, and then a year later you two broke up and there you were left at a school that wasn't your first choice?

Here is my perspective on this. Choosing the best school isn't so much about you. It is more about your and his future (suggesting it works out). If you wind up married then you will be pleased with this choice. If you break up your future has not been subjugated by the lesser school. The key being the future of you both.

MM you know I got a lot of love for ya.

I agree with you if you have a time set up than it's no longer an issue of finding time it's already set up. Be sure to let him know how much you appreciate it when you talk.

It bothers me now because he's changed his mind and doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to get married.

There are books out there for him to read. Also by going through a premarital book it asks the questions you would normally bring up. I understand the whole no-good marriage thing around. My parents are divorced and my brother is currently going through divorce and so forth. It isn't so much that he doesn't see a good marriage but that there is what I find to be a information gap. Parents just simply don't talk about how to have a healthy relationship. That's how I have found. But that's for another day.

The sad thing is, if we are going to stay together, then he will eventually have to move, or we'll have a long-distance relationship for the rest of our lives.

I guess I am not following on this. Is he thinking of going to grad school also? It's one thing to endure separation but it's another to live separately.

It's not so much about 'picking' it is more about time management. Hanging out with friends is important for him to relax a bit. If evenings don't work so well there are mornings too. What if you talk before he goes out with his friends? Set a time limit. The key here is compromise.

I know I have said alot of things that 'you' can do not because he doesn't have to do anything but this is your part that you can work on. The other is educating him. So I hope you don't think I am dumping everything on you. Alot of it is taking the relationship and putting it back on course. A relationship without communication is what? communication is the river that keeps the water (relationship) from going stagnent and stale.

I hope this gives you some ideas.

Adventure-Dude

on May 25, 2006

Be sure to let him know how much you appreciate it when you talk.

and that it let's you know that it shows he cares.

Sugar High Elf

on May 25, 2006

I cannot work or go to school in the state we live in -- especially not the town he lives in, so for us to be together, he must move eventually. I feel guilty about that sometimes.

We actually had a good conversation today. Not about the realtionship or anything, just a good conversation. I think he may have been going through a phase and, after his "boy's weekend" he's having this weekend, I think he'll be much more refreshed.

Thanks, everyone for the advice, concern, and support. It really means a lot to me, and I've taken a lot of your advice to heart.

Adventure-Dude

on May 26, 2006

We actually had a good conversation today. Not about the realtionship or anything, just a good conversation. I think he may have been going through a phase and, after his "boy's weekend" he's having this weekend, I think he'll be much more refreshed.

conversation 'GOOD'

Best regards,

AD

Sugar High Elf

on May 28, 2006

conversation 'GOOD'

Best regards,

AD

Yes, yes it is. And thanks!

~SHE

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