and the death of childhood
My childhood died this year. I thought I was an adult, I really did. I mean, legally I was already an adult. My parents didn't give me a curfew. I could buy beer, smoke, vote, everything an adult could do.
The thing is, I was still a kid, on the inside. That is, until this year. I can narrow it down to two weeks in March, the weeks my childhood died.
It all started with my teddy bear. I've had this bear since I was two years old, and I still slept with it. Then I discovered that my poor Brownie Bear had holes in his arms. He was falling apart ... and so did I. I knew I had to put him away for good, or I would destroy him. Now, he sits on a shelf with Scrooge, the stuffed huskie my boyfriend gave me.
I went home that weekend, only to have the next thing happen. I went to brush my teeth that Friday night with the toothbrush I leave at my folk's house. I've had my own toothbrush there for three-and-a-half years only to find that, now, it was gone. It wasn't in the toothbrush holder, or in the toothpaste drawer. I finally found it in the back of "my" drawer along with a bunch of old makeup of my mom's. It may sound silly, but I didn't feel like this was home anymore. I felt like a visitor.
When I got back to school, I called my boyfriend. I think I may have cried (I'm so ashamed). I told him about the bear, the toothbrush and the panic attack about moving away for grad. school. He calmed me down, welcomed me to adult-hood, and laughed at me no doubt.
That next weekend, I went to see him. When I got there, he told me he had a surprise for me. He covered my eyes, and walked me into the bathroom. When I opened my eyes, there was a brand new toothbrush next to his. He wanted to make sure that I felt like I belonged somewhere, and that somewhere was with him.
Now, I really feel like an adult. I let go of a lot of things, and took hold of some others. I still miss my childhood sometimes, but I'm having fun as an adult as well. It's all a part of life, I suppose. Might as well make the best of it.