I work with college freshmen girls. I have fifty for whom I am responsible. Most of them are witty, funny, confident and smart. They know what they want out of life and are working hard to get it. The problem? They fall apart because of boys. Either the boy doesn't like them, the boy broke up with them, the boy doesn't like what they are doing, or they just can't get a boy. I've seen them morph themselves into Barbie dolls to go to the gym (a two hour beauty prep is required for one girl before she can sweat), wake up at 5am to straighten their hair and miss papers and other assignments because of a breakup. I've seen them get pregnant because they don't say no (or at least "use a condom").
Why are these girls like this? (I know, scientifically, I cannot use a group of fifty girls to be an accurate sample group for the nation, but I'm going to anyway. It's my blog, after all.) Why do these wonderful girls feel the need to drop everything in their academic and social lives in pursuit of their MRS degree?
I have plenty of people to blame: the media. Even shows like Sex and the City which seemed to be about confident women with careers showed us that we are happiest when we have a man. Disney - how many princesses are happy without a prince? How many of them can do something for themselves? Even Mulan "becomes a man" to fit in, and ends up with a boy at the end of the movie. Parents, who try to make their girls feel worthy of praise and respect can still make them feel that they aren't complete without a man.
Do not get me wrong. I am very happy with my boyfriend. I look forward to the day that we can get married and I'll start poppin' out babies. We have a wonderful relationship. Why? Because I was already happy before we became a couple.
That's right, I was a complete, whole, happy human being without a man which makes me an asset to the relationship. My man loves that I don't "need" him to make me happy. There is no pressure on him, and I don't have unreal expectations of the relationship. (Mind you, this does go both ways, but I'll stick to writing the female perspective) I was not looking for a man to complete me, for I am complete already. We compliment each other, which is a lot easier to do.
I had actually made my peace with God that I was going to be single forever about two months before Grant and I started dating. I realized that I could live my life happily and still be single. I made plans to get my PhD and become an English Professor. I wasn't looking for a man, I was enjoying my life.
It's easy to point fingers and say, "You are to blame" for this trend. But how do we solve the problem? How do we convince girls that they can be happy alone? That they need to be complete before they tie themselves to someone else? That Buffy was right, and we need to be cookies, and not cookie dough, before we can really be a part of a relationship?
I wish I had the answers. I try to get my girls to experience life without depending on anyone else. They've learned to be seperated from Mom and Dad, but they've also had to learn how to be seperate from boys. One of my girls was finally single for over a month this year. She hasn't been single for that long since the seventh grade. She is learning to be happy, alone. Only then, she is beginning to realize, can she be happy with someone.