I am terrified. There it is. Three little words that I can’t say out loud to anyone I know. I get little panic attacks when I think about the future. I say the words “graduate school” and suddenly there is an elephant sitting on my chest. I think about what the year 2007 will bring and my heart flutters, my chest feels heavy and my head swims.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to go to grad. school. I am excited at the opportunities I’ll have, the people I will meet and the things I will learn. I’ve picked my dream school not, as my mother seems to think would be normal, on the many guys the school has but on the number of books. (Over 3 million volumes) But I’m still afraid.
My grandparents are getting older now and my parents are having to step up to take care of them. And, even though my parents are not old, my father has some health issues that will limit him sooner than most. I know he is concerned about his future health, and so am I. I don’t want to move too far away from my parents. They were so happy to see me a few days ago and I realized how much I have neglected my relationship with them in favor for my relationship with my boyfriend. I know this is the natural progression of life, but I am friends with my parents. I’ve tried so hard not to neglect my other friends, yet I forgot them. An example:
I had to have a prescription called into the local pharmacy. It had been so long since I’ve had any orders there that they didn’t have my current insurance on file. My mother explained to the pharmacist, “She doesn’t live here anymore. She spends all of her time at college.” and it’s true. I haven’t lived at home for more than a month in the last four years. It is my parents’ home, not mine. I don’t even have a toothbrush there anymore. (For the importance of the toothbrush, see one of my first articles back.)
If I move to Tennessee, I’ll see them even less often than I do now. I used to go home every other week, now I’m lucky if I see my parents once a month.
There’s someone else I’ll see less of as well. My grandparents asked my parents if my boyfriend and I were talking about getting married. My parents don’t think we’re that serious and don’t know that we’ve said the “L” word. They also don’t know that we’ve had sentences start with, “If we get married...” or “When we have kids...”. I haven’t told them for many reasons. They aren’t ready to deal with it and I’m not ready to answer questions yet. I think sometimes they still see me as the little girl in the lawn chair with my walkman, teddy bear, blankie, and a sleeve of chocolate chip cookies. (There’s a picture of this)
The thing is, my parents said a few things that really got to me. Dad made a comment that it’s going to be hard to sustain a relationship across state lines. Mom, as mentioned before, seemed to think I should be looking at male populations when picking my dream school as if I’ll still be looking for “Mr. Right”. They could be right. I may not be with the man I’m going to marry. A lot of things could happen that keep us from walking down the aisle, but of one thing I’m sure. I’m with the man I would like to spend the rest of my life with. I could probably be happy with someone else, but he’s the one I want.
I’m also afraid that I’m not smart enough. I worry that I won’t get in, that I won’t get the money I need, that I won’t be able to keep up. I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better for me to stay in education and just be a high school teacher... but that’s not what I want. But the fear is getting to me. The “what ifs” are crushing. Trust me when I say I try not to think about it, but I have no idea how to stop it.
The kicker is, I can’t tell these things to the people who are closest to me. They all want the best for me and they don’t really listen to my fears. They simply tell me that I’ll be fine and tell me not to worry. They try to solve my problems when all I want them to do is listen to them. I can’t tell my boyfriend because I don’t want to always be negative. Plus, if I keep unloading on the poor guy he’s not going to talk to me because he doesn’t want to add more stress to my life. (He didn’t tell me he was afraid of losing his job for two weeks because he didn’t want to worry me.)
That’s about all for tonight. I’m tired and I need to get some sleep.