I told myself that I would not blog about my ex again. To be honest, I actually promised myself that I would not talk about him, talk to him, e-mail him, look him up and even try not to think about him.
However, I can't seem to get this thought out of my head, and decided that I needed to write about it. So, here goes.
My ex seems to fall in and out of love very easily. I really should have known better than to get involved with him again, but I didn't think about it all that much when we started dating. Now, looking back, it was plain as day.
He was in love with his high school girlfriend. They planned to get married; he was going to design their dream house. It was all so romantic... until she went to college and they broke up. This alone is not enough to condemn him. High school sweethearts are common enough.
Then, there was me. We dated during my Sophomore year in college. After about a month together, he told me he was falling in love with me. Next thing I knew, the next ten years of my life were planned. We had picked out a possible wedding date, knew where we were going to be. We even knew what our kids' names were going to be. I'll admit that I encouraged this kind of talk until I realized just how serious he was, and how unready I was. I broke it off and kept on with my life... growing up a lot, and figuring out who I was.
Next, he got engaged to Heather. They started dating about five days after he and I broke up. Four months later, he proposed. She was in High School and He was 20 years old. She ended up cheating on him twice and he finally broke it off.
Then, he dated the High School sweetheart again. I know this, because she was, at one time, my roommate. They didn't last long, and I don't think the "I love you" was repeated.
Then, he dated me again. (a serial dater) This time, I was in my senior year in college. I finally knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had grown up a great deal, and it seemed that he had matured as well. His encounter with engagement seemed to have cooled his heels, so to speak. He didn't seem so desperate to get married this time. We were on the same page. After two months, I knew it was love. He told me he loved me at 2am... I responded with, "Are you even awake?" but then told him that I loved him too.
A year later, we broke up because of some problems he was having. He found out that, among other things, the man that had raised him was not actually his father. His mother had had an affair while married to his dad, and she finally told him that his biological father was actually the other man. This really upset him and told me that he couldn't be in a relationship just then. I told him I would wait.
And wait I did. We still talked almost every night on the phone and he still came to see me from time to time. We were still intimate with each other, despite the fact that we were no longer "official". I thought it was only a matter of time where he realized he could be in a relationship again, and we would live "happily ever after".
Then, the kick in the gut. I found out, through the miracle of MySpace, that he was in a relationship. I had known he was attracted to this girl... probably before he realized it. What I didn't know was that he asked her to be his girlfriend three days after I had seen him last. I called him a few days after he was with her (though I didn't know he was with her at the time) and he lied to me. Flat out lied to me. Two weeks later, I find out that he's been with her for three weeks.
Now, he's in love with her. I know because, well, MySpace. The last time I checked his profile, they had written how much they loved each other on each other's walls. He talked about how happy she made him, and how she was perfect for him. He loved her so much.
Wait a second! Did he not say the same thing to me only three days before he asked her out? Were we not planning on getting married? Did he not say that he had loved me for three years? That I had put "a spell" on him and he could not get me out of his mind or heart?
How can someone fall so quickly in and out of love? He was the first person I had ever loved. I was very careful with my heart. I wanted to give it away when I actually thought I was in love. He seems to be in love with a different girl every year!
It still hurts to think of him. I still wonder "what does she have that I don't have" and "Why was I so easy to cast aside?" I feel betrayed, used and tricked. But, thinking back on his life... I wonder if all I should question is, "How was I so easily fooled?"
I don't want to love him for the rest of my life. I thought I would love him forever... and perhaps I will. Some part of me will, I'm sure. It helps that a large part of me hates him right now for lying to me. I don't understand how he can be in love, really in love, four times in 8 years! And I wonder now, if he ever really loved me.
I'm mostly worried about this because I am moving on with my life. I've met a really nice guy that I really like. We haven't gotten romantic yet, but I think it's only a matter of time. I worry, though, that I will keep him at arm's length because "once bitten, twice shy". I don't want to ruin chances for future happiness because I was wrong once before.
Is his pattern common? Do people "fall in love" that often all the time? Is he the exception or the rule? Or am I more common? Am I foolish to look for that love of a lifetime? And will I be too cautious to go for it next time?
argh