now all I want to do is cry
As you may have read, I got my acceptance letter into graduate school on Friday. That was one of the happiest moments in my life. I squealed, I jumped, I did a happy dance in the middle of Old Navy.
Tonight, however, is a slightly different story.
It hit me first when I was talking to my dad about taking a trip to Tennessee's campus. We were trying to figure out if my parents would take the day off, or if I would. Then, dad said, "Well, maybe two days. It is a, what, 8, 9 hour trip?" Wow. I hadn't thought about that. This school is about 9 hours away from my parent's house. I love my parents dearly. I like seeing them fairly often. It finally dawned on me that I would be too far away for weekend visits whenever I feel like it. I also realized that I'll have an actual apartment that I won't have to move out of... this means a new home. I haven't lived with my parents for more than a month in the last five years, but suddenly it hit me that I was actually an adult. Kinda scary, a little intimidating, but nothing I can't handle.
Then, I looked at UT's website. I wanted to see if they had their graduate reading list on their website. While looking around, I stumbled upon their degree requirements. It's a very hard program, that's why I choose it. However, I'm a bit afraid. I worry that I won't be able to cut it. This isn't anything new. Anyone going into these kinds of programs has certain fears about their adequacy.
All of this I could have handled. The problem is, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about these fears. My parents are, I'm sure, just as excited and worried as I am. I don't want them to know I have this many doubts. I don't want to worry them.
I can't call my best friend in Florida about this because she hasn't gotten into med. school yet. She's on the wait list, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to call her at all with my news. I called, and she was happy for me. However, I feel it would be cruel to call her and lay all my worries on her, when I know she's even more worried about her future.
My other friends just wouldn't understand. They're also the kind of people that tend to turn a conversation to themselves. We all do it from time to time, and they also have big things they are worried about. I just couldn't go through another conversation where I started talking about what was freaking me out just to have it turn to them, and me feeling like I have to be the big sister/counselor for them. I don't mind this role usually, but I need to talk right now, not listen.
I didn't start crying until I thought about my ex. I realized that of all the people I know, he's the one I want to call the most. I wanted to call him when I found out, and I really wanted to call him tonight. He was there when I changed my major to English all those years back. He was there when I dropped the education degree and went for a plain BA which meant I had to go to graduate school. He was there as I chose my schools. He was there when I freaked out over applications. And he's not there anymore.
He was supposed to be a part of these plans. He was my best friend... the person I told everything to. He was the first person I called with good and bad news. He was the one I turned to. He was the one I wanted to celebrate with, and the shoulder I cried on. He understood me, and he was a good listener.
It isn't him that I miss so much, as having that kind of person in my life. I don't have anyone that I feel like I can turn to no matter what. I don't have a person to celebrate or cry with. I don't feel like I have a best friend anymore. One of my best friends moved to Florida, and the other broke my heart. I feel so alone now. Scared and alone.
On top of all that, my romantic life sucks right now. I'm finally going to meet the really great guy I met online, and now I find I'm moving out of state this summer. I actually like this guy. We have wonderful talks, loads of stuff in common. I've never met another human being that could match me dork point for dork point that wasn't an absolute freak. He is the most normal geek I've ever met. He has a great sense of humor... we laugh all the time. He's smart and cute on top of all that. Why couldn't I have met him a year ago? Why couldn't I have dated him instead of the jerk who left me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. (poetic, huh?) I have this intense desire to hunt cupid down and shoot him with something other than love arrows.
I feel better now. The hysteria is over. I'm sure it's just a combination of a stressful week finally being over, a lack of sleep, getting over an illness and shock. I know I'll feel better in the morning. I know I'll talk to friends and family about my concerns once I'm calmer (that way I don't freak them out).
Writing is such good therapy.