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I know this girl that I would call a friend, though not a close friend. She's more a friend of convenience. It isn't that I don't like her or anything, but we would not "hang out" this much if circumstances were different.

You see, my best friend graduated in December and moved to Florida, leaving me all alone. Since I'm pretty much a hermit, I didn't think this would be too bad. Unfortunately, I do have to speak to people at some point during the week and this girl, we'll call her "Jane", is always around. We have two classes together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we have the same hour off between classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Our classes are beside each other before and after our break, so it's natural to go for coffee during that hour off.

Again, it isn't that I don't like Jane, she's a nice girl. She whines constantly, and she always has something that she's freaking out about, or she's mad about, or that is stressing her out. Always. This is not the kind of person I typically call a best friend. Usually, these are people I have classes with, that I talk to, and that's the end of the story.

Somehow, during this semester, I've become one of her bridesmaids. I'm supposed to read a poem at the wedding. She confides in me about everything. I really didn't think we were that close.

I feel as though I've "led her on" or something. I kinda feel bad about it, but I don't know what to do. I won't be around at the time of her wedding... I'm moving off for grad school. I've got to figure out a way to tell her we aren't really that close. I could just phase myself out, which shouldn't be too hard. I'm sure she could find another "bestest friend."

Oh well. Back to work.

Comments
on Apr 22, 2007
OK, I'm going to give you a bit of advice that you can take or not. To you it wasn't much, being there to listen to her whine, and freak out and stuff. To her it might have meant a lot. She probably has no one else to be a friend to her. Have you ever seen her around other people at school or talked about other girlfriends? If not, you're probably it for her. Now, it's her wedding, her special day. If nothing else, do this for her just because it's her special day and she asked you to. It would make her very happy I'm sure or she wouldn't have asked you. And, if you can't be there at all, let her know, at least you have a genuine reason. Just let her know now and not later when it's too late to get anyone else. And don't tell her you don't consider her in the same light as she thinks of you. It might make you feel better but her worse for life. You didn't ask for advice but I gave it so hope you don't feel I've stepped out of turn.
on Apr 22, 2007

That last part you wrote,  "I could just phase her out"  is about the least painful way to let go of a relationship that isn't so good

No need to feel guilty,  if you hadn't spent time with her,  how would you have known she was whiny, negative, and not a good one for being friends with? 

I sometimes think that we have to "try on friendships" the way we do when we're dating. Not that I've dated lately.....  However after spending time with a person we gradually get to see who and what they're about.

It sounds to me like she's used you as a sounding post for her troubles,  and while that's ok in a friendship, ( sometimes)  it doesn't make for a healthy friendship if that's all she's about.

Good luck and now ya can take my post and burn it! ...guess I got carried away SHE!

I'm sure you'll figure out the best thing to do!

on Apr 22, 2007

Just let her know now and not later when it's too late to get anyone else. And don't tell her you don't consider her in the same light as she thinks of you. It might make you feel better but her worse for life.

very insightful Serenity

on Apr 22, 2007
Haha. No, I'm one of six or seven bridesmaids... so I'm not her only friend. She's in a sorority, she loves people in the music department, she loves people in the English department. That's actually one reason I'm sure I can phase myself out... she makes friends so easily, that I doubt I'd be hard to replace.

If I thought I was her only friend, I wouldn't be so callous about things. I do find it odd that she thinks we're so close, but it's not because I'm the only person willing to talk to her. She isn't a bad person or anything, and I'm sure she doesn't annoy everyone. I just can't handle all her drama. Some people thrive on drama, but I don't. The drama I have is enough for me, and I try not to dwell on it. (Not that you could tell that from my blog... but this is where I blow off steam)

I will have to tell her that the wedding is a no go before it's too late, I realize that. I'm just waiting so I can say, "I won't be able to get away from school" or something along those lines. It would be really crappy of me to let her think I was going to be there, and then punk out on her. She's already stressed out about this wedding, and I'm trying not to add to it.
on Apr 22, 2007
Oh, and I'm not mean enough to say, "I don't like you as a friend as much as you like me as a friend." It's not like she's done anything evil to me. I might say something like that to the ex boyfriend, but not to someone that hasn't been mean to me. There's no need to make her feel bad or to make myself feel better by being mean to her. I just figured I'd tell her I couldn't be in the wedding, then get busy with school (which is going to happen) and let nature take its course.
on Apr 22, 2007
this might sound trite, but I have found it to be true, "and the truth shall set you free" just tell her you cannot attend because you will be elsewhere attending school and am sorry to tell her you will not be able to attend.
on Apr 22, 2007
OK, I'm going to give you a bit of advice that you can take or not. To you it wasn't much, being there to listen to her whine, and freak out and stuff. To her it might have meant a lot. She probably has no one else to be a friend to her. Have you ever seen her around other people at school or talked about other girlfriends? If not, you're probably it for her. Now, it's her wedding, her special day. If nothing else, do this for her just because it's her special day and she asked you to. It would make her very happy I'm sure or she wouldn't have asked you. And, if you can't be there at all, let her know, at least you have a genuine reason. Just let her know now and not later when it's too late to get anyone else. And don't tell her you don't consider her in the same light as she thinks of you. It might make you feel better but her worse for life. You didn't ask for advice but I gave it so hope you don't feel I've stepped out of turn.


Ditto, I agree. Go through with it and be the best friend you CAN be to her.
on Apr 22, 2007
So, she has plenty of friends. OK, then go ahead and let her know that you can't do it and phase yourself out. Simple and less drama!lol!
on Apr 22, 2007
As soon as she sets the final date and time, I plan to back out. And, since it is the truth that I will be living elsewhere and may not be able to get to wherever the wedding will be, it should "set me free". After all, my only job is to read a poem... I'm thinking she can find someone else to do that.

Quick question, though: Don't brides typically ASK their friends to be bridesmaids and ASK if they'd be willing to read something at the wedding? I wasn't asked, she just assumed I would do it. I'm not sure what the wedding etiquette is, but I'm pretty sure she should have asked.
on Apr 22, 2007

Quick question, though: Don't brides typically ASK their friends to be bridesmaids and ASK if they'd be willing to read something at the wedding?

Yes.  But then she does not seem to have a lot of friends, and seems to be a "daddy's girl" - in other words, used to getting her way.

on Apr 22, 2007

Don't brides typically ASK their friends to be bridesmaids and ASK if they'd be willing to read something at the wedding? I wasn't asked, she just assumed I would do it. I'm not sure what the wedding etiquette is, but I'm pretty sure she should have asked.

Yeah she is supposed to ask.  Since most bridesmaids foot their own bill, dress, makeup,hair, nails, shoes, jewelry etc.

I wouldn't wait another day...I'd just say something like, "Hey, I know you're talking about me being a bridesmaid, but there's no way I can do it.  I'm moving.  Sorry."

 

on Apr 22, 2007
I agree with Tova because a) it gives her more time to make other arrangements and you're off the hook and not worryiing about it that much sooner.

I hate telling people no or declining things too.
on Apr 22, 2007
I wouldn't wait another day...I'd just say something like, "Hey, I know you're talking about me being a bridesmaid, but there's no way I can do it. I'm moving. Sorry."



You know, you're right. Since she never asked, and I never agreed, I shouldn't really feel guilty and it's pretty easy to say, "I think it best that I not be involved since I can't guarantee that I can be there for you since I'm moving. I don't want you to plan on my being there, and then something come up where I can't make it."

I hate telling people no or declining things too.


Amen.

Thanks guys! That's PERFECT!