I've been at this school for five years now. In exactly one week, I will graduate and will no longer be a student here. I even have an alumni decal to put on my car to prove it.
I was feeling a bit nostalgic last night, so I decided to walk around campus to see how things had changed. First big change is the building I'm living in right now. They built it last year and this is the first year for people to live in it. Second big change is the giant health and science building that's going up in a parking lot next to a dorm I lived in for three years. Behind that was the outdoor track, but now that's one large gravel parking lot. That one makes me sad because I had a lot of good memories associated with that track.
Going on a bit further, and I see Wingo. Wingo was a dorm I lived in my freshman year. We were the last group to live in it. It had wood floors, no two rooms were the same, and every girl who lived there had matching burns on the outside of her knees. We had those burns because the dorm was still heated with radiators, and there was a radiator right beside the toilet. If you didn't pee side saddle, you got burned. Now, Wingo has been gutted and rebuilt to be the President's office. It's charm is gone and I can hardly walk in there.
There's a giant, tacky fountain as well. This was built last year and royally pissed off a lot of people. It was supposed to have special filters that would suck out any soap that people added to it... but any time someone suds the stupid thing, it costs $10,000 to replace the filters. The jumbo-tron outdoor classroom area is just as stupid, but doesn't get damaged as often.
I also found memories everywhere I went. There were some good memories, I found myself smiling without even realizing it. There were some bad memories as well. They weren't bad at the time, but now they're painful. By the time I walked all around campus, I had come to a final conclusion. I need to get away from this town and away from this school. The whole place is saturated with memories -- most of which I don't want anymore. There's not a single building, a single statue, a single sidewalk that doesn't hold some memory for me. Old boyfriends, old friends, classes, activities, pain, fun. Even the flowerbeds all have a memory that goes along with them.
Of course, all this looking back made me think about the person I was when I came here as opposed to the person I am now that I'm leaving. Five years ago, I was a shy music major. I was a "good girl" who had certain ideas about the world. Now, I'm an outgoing English major. I am no longer a "good girl" but still a good person. One of my old roommates found a shirt that we both needed. It said, "Remember waiting 'till marriage?" We laughed, but we both recognized how much we had changed.
Some say that people never really change. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and stuff like that. But I have changed. I see the world in a different way than I did five years ago. I react to things differently than I used to. There were times when I would never have stood up for myself. In fact, I didn't stand up for myself when it mattered all those years ago. Now, I refuse to be anyone's doormat, stepping stool or rebound girl. In the last five years, I learned to say "fuck off". I learned to just ignore those people that aren't good for me. I simply remove the people who aren't good for me. Sure, it takes me longer to remove some people than it does others... but I still remove them in the end.
I've learned that I do not need to be nice to everyone. There are some people who just aren't worth it. I have no need or desire to pretend friendship with back-stabbers. I do not need to play nice with people who lie to and about me. They aren't worth my time.
In five years, I've found my passion, and I've found my courage. Before I came to college, it never occurred to me that I could go to graduate school -- pursue my PhD. I have hobbies now, I have passion, I have desire. Before, I had nothing like that. I was a shell, and now... well, I'm still a shell, but not an empty one.
Some people will say that I've grown up, and I suppose on some level, that's true. But I think I was already pretty mature when I got to college. I've just made my mind up about a few things, and recognized that there are other things that I will never know or understand. I've also found out more about myself. Sure, there's plenty left to learn, but I've made a good start in five years.
And the new chapter begins soon -- graduate school. I wonder what I'll learn about myself there.