I don't understand people's obsession with weight loss! I've talked about this before, and it is quite likely that I will talk about it again, but I really feel as though I have to talk about it now.
You see, at the beginning of this year, I took all the anger/rage/hatred I had for my ex and channeled it into exercise. I lost a little over 20 lbs. I felt better -- not only because I was healthier, but because I was finding a positive outlet for my negative emotions. But then, people started commenting on the way I looked. They noticed the weight loss, and told me that I looked better. Not long after the compliments started pouring in, I stopped working out.
Wait? I what? That's right, I stopped working out. I got tired of people noticing my body. When I was at my heaviest, people tended to ignore my appearance. I wasn't obese, so no one snickered -- I was just fat enough that no one noticed me. But, once I started losing the weight, it became obvious that people did notice, and I hated the attention. It's not that I'm horribly shy, it's just that I feel that there's more to me than boobs and a slimmer waist.
I hated the importance people suddenly placed on my weight. I wrote about how annoyed I got when people commented (especially when they implied how much easier it would be for me to snag a man). But, I think it went deeper than being annoyed at other people's shallowness. I simply did not want that attention. They were no longer looking at me, but looking at my pants' size. It made me uncomfortable rather than proud. I actually felt worse about myself because suddenly, I knew there was no reason for me to be the size I was.
Ok, sure, the mild depression kick I went on didn't help either... but I honestly stopped working out because I hated the attention, the comments, the friends saying how good I looked. What? Did I look so disgusting before? It actually hurt my self esteem because I began to imagine how they must have thought of me before. I began thinking that they saw me as a Jabba the Hutt kind of creature and now I was merely... well, I can't think of anything right now, but I will eventually.
So, I decided to be fat. Then, people would leave me alone. It was all so much simpler that way.
I know. It's stupid.
Now, I'm trying to live the healthy life again. It's not easy because of who I'm living with. She was once a big girl and lost something like 70 lbs. Now, she eats everything organic, runs and lives a perfect little life. I get so annoyed when she comments on my food choices, or my exercise habits. She thinks she's helping, but she's really driving me nuts! I actually found myself justifying tuna fish to her. I don't owe her any explanations. I'm 23 years old now. I am responsible to me, myself and I. I don't owe explanations or justifications to anyone. Really. If I want to eat a hot fudge, oreo milk shake every day for lunch, I can do that and I don't have to answer to anyone! She actually said to me, after her run yesterday, "I was going to ask you to come with me, but you had just eaten barbecue, so I thought I would go for a run and make you feel guilty." REALLY? Because all I felt was cool, not sweaty, and well fed after a wonderful meal. Guilt never entered my mind.
I know she's trying to help, but if she doesn't back off soon, I'm going to dump a glass of organic milk on her head! I need to do this for me, not because someone is making me feel bad about who I am right now. I will change if I decide to change, and not because someone tells me I should. That's the only way it can work. Otherwise, I will just decide to be fat.